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Mystery is the key attractor for women.

According to psychiatrist Paul Dobransky, M.D. mystery is the most important factor that attracts a woman.

Of course, this seems counter to pop psychology of the feminist revolution where men were told to “open up” to women and reveal EVERYTHING.

Here’s the problem, humans are conditioned creatures! Our species doesn’t suddenly change because a group of people think a new human behavior is a good idea. Especially when the new behaviors are actually unhealthy and lead to poor relationship.

As with all humans, we have been conditioned since childhood to do most of our behaviors. You speak English (or your native language) because you lived with adults who you needed for survival. In the same way, women imprint on their father because he is really the only man she knows from birth until school, her most formative years.

Father is a huge, powerful, mysterious man to a little girl. This is a very deep imprint that guides her life for a protector. The only reason she wouldn’t be draw to a mysterious powerful man is because she was afraid of her father, so now she wants a totally open, weak man that she can control, so she can be safe.

Women enjoy a mystery to be unlocked. I’m NOT suggesting a secretive man that is hiding. That’s artificial mystery, which is actually a danger. We’re talking about a man she could take the rest of her life discovering things about. A man with healthy boundaries! This is why women talk about the draw of a man with “depth”. If you are shallow, not much to know, “an open book”, you’re about as boring as a short story that’s been read a hundred times.

Another reason being “totally open” or what we could really call “emotional” with a woman is really toxic is that it’s the sign of a lack of healthy boundaries. When a man is so raw and open that there isn’t a line where he ends and she begins, the couple become “enmeshed”. That is, they become one person. This is what a needy parent does with a child that causes the child to never grow up. It’s the reason couples feel like a body part has been ripped out when the other pulls away. Healthy boundaries are crucial to creating healthy people.

A simple way to be mysterious is to actually BE a man. A man is about as opposite a woman as you can get and thus a mystery. We could take a whole weekend exploring being a healthy man of mystery and boundaries with your lady. Maybe we will do that weekend course someday. For now, blast out some comments on the blog. Let’s see if you disagree about mystery. Actually ask women. Don’t think you know on your own.

{ 3 comments… add one }
  • Ted September 17, 2011, 9:16 am

    Great post Erol, I really feel this is dead on.
    I suffer from being that ‘open book’, wanting to fit in, be nice and prove my worth to women using my ‘finely tuned’ ability to connect with them through talking, sharing emotionally etc.

    When I’m being ‘mysterious’ it feels a bit awkward, like I’m holding back, or punishing them or simply not being my natural self. I want to talk about my accomplishments (fearful bragging really) etc.

    In fact I think it’s really the opposite. I feel deep down I would rather just smile, look and listen and discover what there is to receive through the gift of listening deeply. Yet this requires bringing my quiet, present acceptance to those urges to spout and connect.


  • Erol Fox September 24, 2011, 3:03 pm

    Great awareness of the current state!

    We’ve been raised by our mother, taught by her and feminism how to be: that trust and connection comes from openly sharing everything. HOWEVER, this is how women bond. Not sharing absolutely everything, as a women, is a violation between women. This kind of openness creates safety between women but surely does NOT create attraction, even between lesbians.

    Though it may feel very natural or proper to share everything with women because of conditioning, what “feels” natural isn’t a guide. Alcoholics feel like being drunk all the time is natural too! And picking our nose may feel natural, but it definitely doesn’t create attraction.

    I just saw Meet Joe Black again last night. It’s a great example of mystery. The woman actually falls in love with a man that is more mysterious and powerful than her father, who turns out to be Death himself (VERY powerful and mysterious). It’s a great script that explores how total mystery creates attraction but that isn’t necessarily love. There’s a balance of mystery and vulnerability that makes for a juicy relationship!

    So it’s noticing what actually attracts women rather than trusting what “feels” natural, which just may be an addiction. That addiction may be to taking the feminine role in a relationship rather than the masculine role of providing a powerful presence of space she can flow in.

  • Jay gamble July 28, 2013, 9:33 am

    I’ve been in therapy for years because I never expressed my emotions. Now you’re telling me to get the gal, I’ve got to stuff it all? Growing up with a domineering mother who always had control over my father and I has totally screwed up my game. It seems like the feminist emasculation of men in the U.S. has doomed many guys who want more game. I always felt fine I thought hermit ting until I saw a gal I wanted to share time with. I’m going back to my cave, erasing all appointments to the therapist and looking forward to better days.

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