Ecstatic Man

A common criticism from women is that men don’t just listen. If you are familiar with Dr. John Grey’s work, Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus., he identified that when Martians share a problem, they are asking for help fixing it. But when Venusians share a problem, they want to feel heard and let out their feelings about a relationship.

Here’s a 2 minute video that visually shares what it can feel like for men and women when we talk. A lot of women friends and colleagues have shared this with their girlfriends and had a great laugh about being human.

As a coach, I often look at these three core energies to be in balance:

• strength
• compassion
• playfulness

We can see these in any mammal. When we’re off balance, we’re usually missing one or more of these.

To be a great parent, we often forget how important playfulness, a sense of humor, nothing is that serious in the big picture, is to success. When we can share the crazy thoughts we have, the challenges of parenting, imperfect, of being a dad, we get to be vulnerable, a human being, normal, and get back in the game.

Here’s 10 hilarious minutes with master comedian Louis C.K. about the challenges of being the perfect dad. Stick around for the finale!

Remember, one of your gifts to the family, as a dad & husband, is the gift of playfulness and humor. The old saying may be especially true for men: “If you take your self too seriously, no one else will.”

WOW! Looks like I haven’t posted to this blog in 4 years. I ran across on of my favorite insightful relationship videos and here we are.

One of the master keys to success in a relationship is understanding the DIFFERENCES between men and women!

Oh yes, I hear it now, it’s like a broke a religious rule: NOOOOOOO! MEN AND WOMEN ARE EXACTLY THE SAME and if you don’t think, somehow could we revert back to macho jerks and submissive house wives.

OK, get over it! Diversity training is all about understanding and APPRECIATING that each of us has an unique experience of life. NOT better or worse. No ego comparison. Just UNIQUE and different.

Now, here’s a funny look at a key potential different between women and men… from the great relationship philosopher… Chris Rock.

Maybe you agree or disagree. Post your comments below.

This article is in response to a great question from Ani on a previous article called:
STOP BEING EMOTIONAL!
http://ecstaticman.com/stop-being-emotional/

A reminder before we begin. There’s a HUGE difference between experiencing an emotion when your dog dies vs. BEING EMOTIONAL! The word emotion originally meant “agitation”. No one trusts an agitated man.

Here’s Ani’s comment:

Wow I really like this article. I have been facing this issue. I am too emotional. I have no control on any of my emotions. I am 24 and I desperately need to stop this. I want to stop completely. I must grow up but I fail every time I try. I have failed in relations due to this. It must stop now.

I applaud you for looking this right in the eye, like staring down a dragon,  and powerfully realizing what being emotional has cost you. Pain is often necessary to create great change. The monkey brain inside is a conditioned monkey and it doesn’t like change.

I’ll tell you personally, I ruined a lot of relationships with women because I was raised to think I was supposed to be emotional. First, we attract the wrong kind of woman for us. Second, she’ll end up hating that “nice” guy that just isn’t the ROCK she’s always dreamed of. Don’t believe me. Ask women what they really want, not what movies tell them they want.

There are many different ways to dissolve men’s emotional behavior. Many things can be on the list. I hope people will add to it in the comments section!As a life coach, I’ll offer a few pointers that I know really work.

1. We MUST heal and make amends with our father! Many men today, and women of course, see fathers as bad, wrong, and basically not a good nurturing woman. When you see that your father was a man, flawed like any human, but just a man, and can thank him for being hard on you, unemotional, simple, you will have permission to BE a man yourself. Father was often unemotional, which was a great quality.
2. It’s time to separate from mother. She’s a nice lady, but we’re supposed to separate at around 13 years old and become our own man. Treat mom kindly, like you would any woman, but stop being her “little boy”. We’re often keeping our emotionality to keep her approval. Let her approve of our success, not our tears and ability to be taken out by a squirrel.
3. When did you first decide it was OK, maybe even good, to be emotional? Once we clean up with parents, we trace the first moment of the wrong decision. How young was that first time and what do you get out of being emotional? We use emotions to get our way and manipulate others. Watch children! Soon it becomes an indulgence. Many boys decided early on that being emotional is how there were going to get a girl. It’s a DECISION not a mental condition! Take responsibility. You must decide that emotions don’t serve you. In fact, they can get you killed because you’re stuck in your animal mind. Awareness of the first moment we decided it was good to be emotional can often have us GROW UP and stop doing what that little boy decided.
4. Get around men that will not tolerate your emotions unless you’re are actually wounded. We’re talking about something big, like the loss of a loved one. Big loss. But anything less, they won’t stand for. I told a man that I really cared about, I was going to punch him in the arm once when he started to get emotional, tear up, over a little thing. Men can be like great coaches and help condition new winning behaviors into us. The fastest way to correct behavior is physically. You conditioned yourself to be emotional. You can condition yourself to be conscious and powerful.
5. Have another man be your mentor. Manhood comes from training. When little girls have their first period they are welcomed by the other women and shown the way to womanhood. Boys get a car and drink at some random moment. That’s not training. Our father is NOT the man who can teach us about manhood because we naturally resent him too much because of our competitive ego. This is why we need to stop complaining about father and realize we were a jerk to him. It’s just two male egos clashing. Find good men today and train. There are several organizations out there that do training. There are man books like “Iron John” to remind you of the honor and legacy of being a male. There are also coaches & teachers. Men have mentors. That’s how we become successful. You can also contact me personally. I’m happy to share what I’ve learned so men can serve the world better!

A way to sum these tips up is to say: Be proud of being a man and celebrate the differences between men and women. We each have our own unique qualities and the polarity between them creates sparks.

We’re not talking about macho B.S., which is just soft men trying to look tough. It’s saying to a good man, “I want to correct a bad habit. If you see me get emotional, not being present, give me a sock in the arm. Wake me up.” The goal is to snap to presence rapidly, not to be “tough”. When you’re present, there are no “emotions” (i.e. agitation). Emotions are residue from your past. In the present moment, you just “feel”. You feel things like the air on your skin, a few moments of the hurt of loss, the joy of your first born, or what it feels like to win. When there is real loss, we men F-E-E-L it, very deeply. “Emotions” are the mental chatter about what we feel. That chatter is just our past. It sucks life force out when we listen to the chatter in our head, no matter what sex we were born as.

I understand too that the inner feminist in most of us today won’t like what I just suggested. We’ve been conditioned to think we’re all “equal” which implies there are no differences at all. Unfortunately, this came to imply that everyone should have feminine emotions, if they are “human”, but the male brain is just not evolved to handle emotions as female brains do. When we try to do emotions, our brain gets overloaded. We’re designed to have an emotion and take immediate positive action. That’s how we’re designed. It’s just putting the wrong chemicals into our body and now millions of men are having trouble keeping a job, focusing on success, or handling something little like losing a job. Keeping emotional chemicals away is like keeping alcohol away. Some brains and bodies just aren’t designed for it, period!

If you agree, or disagree, flame on in the comments section. Oorah!

I’m currently doing research on the “masks” we wear for success. The word “personality” comes from the Ancient Roman word “persona” which was the word for the mask a stage actor wore. Thus, our “personality” is the mask we wear in the world. Words have a lot of power and insight in them.

Yes, we all wear masks. When we are young, we wear a mask to cover our insecurities and get approval from our tribe. We keep wearing those masks our entire life. Inside, honestly, probably every single human is insecure. Even the Dalai Lama wears a mask, if you think about it. When millions of Tibetans are killed while you are the leader, it still hurts, but showing that all the time serves no one.

Advertisers recruit the top young psychologists to tap our deepest human fears and needs so they can show their product as the answer to fill the hole. It’s funny I’m doing this mask work and I just saw this new commercial, released March 7th, which shows a young man wearing his mask. His mask gets him the money and the sex! The mask covers that inner Gremlin’s voice of doubt, which we get to hear. We laugh because it’s uncomfortable to look at the truth of our experience in the mirror.

Of course, advertisers attempt to condition us to believe that buying their product will improve our mask. That makes for a very frail mask that’s always in need of another product, which is great for consumption, but lousy for the human. This is an outside-in approach to building our mask. We can call this outside-in approach “personality”.

What we want is an inside-out approach to building our mask. This could be called “character”. It’s kind of like the evolution of acting. Actors stopped “putting on” a mask and have been progressively learning to build the quality inside and have it come out in the “character” they portray. It makes for a more authentic performance. And in real life, it makes for a more authentic, integrated, and joyful human when the great inside comes out perfected in the mask. The mask is no longer a cover but instead becomes a laser of focused light. My best quality magnified.

How do you build this inside-out mask? I’m glad you asked! You could spend years studying on your own and trying to do it in a closet. But the best way to build your mask is with others! Work with people that can give you real feedback and tools to build your inner world so it comes out. With this  inside-out approach, the gap closes between your mask (who you desire to be) and how you feel inside. You move through the game of life because you’ve built the right equipment for the game. Like an American football player charging to the goal line because he’s got the right equipment and training to use it.

Click on to the comments and let’s hear your thoughts about the mask.

Possibly one of the simplest distinctions I’ve discovered in the last 7 years of studying men’s work is this: STOP BEING EMOTIONAL!

Right away your feminist ears are perking up, right? Men are “supposed” to be emotional. That’s what women complained about in the 1960-1970s (and still today). Women said men were “cold” or didn’t have any “feelings”. The new term I’ve heard in Los Angeles, even in a recent romantic comedy film, and soon will take over women’s vocabulary world-wide is: “emotionally unavailable”.

You men decided, “Women won’t like me unless I’m emotional”. Or better, “my mom won’t like me unless I’m emotional.” And you’re living from a decision without all the facts. You might as well still believe “the earth is flat.”

Let’s look at facts instead of beliefs. Check out the picture in this post. Here’s a man with “emotions”. What do you really think? Would you trust him? Give him your car keys or your savings to manage? Maybe you’d follow him into battle or as a boss that will make your team successful? NOT! If you wouldn’t trust an emotional man, why would a woman? Get it?

So, STOP BEING EMOTIONAL! It’s not about “hiding your feelings”. Stop it! Stop thinking you’re supposed to be an emotional blob so people will love you. Knock it off. No one is going to trust you that needs to count on you. Especially not women. Healthy women want a healthy, loving man in their life, not a boy to control. Don’t believe me! Ask a woman to tell you the truth when she looks at the picture above. Would she trust him?

Harsh words eh? That’s because I care. Of course, there’s a lot to go over here to clear up the years of pop culture and movie conditioning you’ve received. One simple tip is: if you do feel emotions coming up, because you are still emotional rather than present and awake, go to your men. Those men you’d trust with your life, the ones that tell the raw truth. The ones that will help you pull out the arrow and get you back into the game. Or, if your men don’t know what to do, get a coach or other expert to pull out those arrows so you can function well again. But stop expecting women to help you through your emotions. That’s about the grossest thing a woman can imagine.

Finally, “emotions” are not “feelings”. A man feels deeply but when it turns into emotion, that’s scary. That’s why there are two different words. Use a dictionary buddy! They’re really cool. Comment on the blog and let’s see what you think about being emotional.

UPDATE: Second article to answer some questions about being emotional here:

http://ecstaticman.com/where-do-we-start-in-conquering-emotional-behavior/

I was reminded of one of my favorite comedy monologues the other day. I know a guy that is out of work for a while and his wife is upside down about it.

Sure, we think we’re modern people. The feminist revolution made everyone “equal” and now it’s great to have our roles reversed. right? Yes, women want to work hard like a slave all day and have their man stay home and take care of the kids. Sex is irrelevant now, right?

Here Chris Rock lays down one of his funniest bits yet. He reveals than men can never go down in sex and women can never go down in lifestyle. Remember, we laugh at the TRUTH. Only the truth is funny. Laughter is often a nervous reaction to discovering human failing. We want to be evolved but the truth is often different.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPesKyIhGZg

The point men: If your behavior is endangering her lifestyle, you now know what is going on with her and what to do about it. It’s time to get manly again!

If you have a counter example of a woman that wanted to go down in lifestyle with her man and was happier (and they are still together), post it up here. All rules have exceptions, however rare.

OK! When men (really boys) are becoming so wimpy that young girls have so pop songs about growing a pair, it’s time to GROW A PAIR!

I hear this so often from women, that there’s just something wrong with men today. Women have to either chose between:

1. the unconscious chest beating macho jerk OR
2. OR, the Sensitive New Age Wimp

A buddy just pointed out this pop song from 2010. Now young girls are clearly pointing out what they are tired of. I’ve been encouraging these women to speak up! When women speak out again for the kind of men they want, and won’t give sex unless the get it, men will again change.

Women demanded me become sensitive in the 1960s sexual revolution and many men responded en mas. Now it’s time for the next evolution: A man that got a pair AND is fully alive.

According to psychiatrist Paul Dobransky, M.D. mystery is the most important factor that attracts a woman.

Of course, this seems counter to pop psychology of the feminist revolution where men were told to “open up” to women and reveal EVERYTHING.

Here’s the problem, humans are conditioned creatures! Our species doesn’t suddenly change because a group of people think a new human behavior is a good idea. Especially when the new behaviors are actually unhealthy and lead to poor relationship.

As with all humans, we have been conditioned since childhood to do most of our behaviors. You speak English (or your native language) because you lived with adults who you needed for survival. In the same way, women imprint on their father because he is really the only man she knows from birth until school, her most formative years.

Father is a huge, powerful, mysterious man to a little girl. This is a very deep imprint that guides her life for a protector. The only reason she wouldn’t be draw to a mysterious powerful man is because she was afraid of her father, so now she wants a totally open, weak man that she can control, so she can be safe.

Women enjoy a mystery to be unlocked. I’m NOT suggesting a secretive man that is hiding. That’s artificial mystery, which is actually a danger. We’re talking about a man she could take the rest of her life discovering things about. A man with healthy boundaries! This is why women talk about the draw of a man with “depth”. If you are shallow, not much to know, “an open book”, you’re about as boring as a short story that’s been read a hundred times.

Another reason being “totally open” or what we could really call “emotional” with a woman is really toxic is that it’s the sign of a lack of healthy boundaries. When a man is so raw and open that there isn’t a line where he ends and she begins, the couple become “enmeshed”. That is, they become one person. This is what a needy parent does with a child that causes the child to never grow up. It’s the reason couples feel like a body part has been ripped out when the other pulls away. Healthy boundaries are crucial to creating healthy people.

A simple way to be mysterious is to actually BE a man. A man is about as opposite a woman as you can get and thus a mystery. We could take a whole weekend exploring being a healthy man of mystery and boundaries with your lady. Maybe we will do that weekend course someday. For now, blast out some comments on the blog. Let’s see if you disagree about mystery. Actually ask women. Don’t think you know on your own.